Grandpa's Jokes
Little Johnny's first day at school. After the teacher explained how to act and ask for things, really scared little Johnny raised his hand. "May I go to the bathroom?", he meekly asked. "You certainly may.", the teacher replied.
A few minutes later Johnny came back crying, "I can't find it. I can't find it.", he blurted.
The teacher noticed an older boy in the hall and asked him if he would take little Johnny to the bathroom.
Upon their return the teacher asked little Johnny if they found it OK.
Sure replied the older boy, "He just had his pants on backwards"!!
A couple were involved in a very bad automobile accident. The wife's face was horribly scarred. After many months a team of doctors were brought in to assess the situation.
They decided that they could fix her up but it would take a huge amount of skin which could not be taken from the women without leaving more scars and more serious side effects.
Her husband stood up and said, "I have a large backside. You can take the skin from there no one will even notice anyway".
After a series of operations the wife's face was even more beautiful than ever.
She was so happy she exclaimed to her husband that she would do anything he wanted for sacrificing himself for her.
"I don't want anything.", he answered. "My reward is every time I see your mother kiss your cheek".
A couple woke up to find an intruder with a knife to the wife's throat.
"What's your name?" said the intruder. "I always want to know the name of the
person I'm going to kill ." "Elizabeth", said the woman. "That's my mother's
name", said the intruder, "I guess I can't kill you." He pointed the knife at
the husband's throat. "And what's your name?" The husband replied quickly,
"Philip, but my friends all call me Elizabeth."
Little Timmy was in his backyard digging a hole.
His neighbor strolled by and asked him what he was doing.
"My goldfish died and I'm going to bury him.", came the reply.
"Well, that's a pretty large hole for an itsy-bitsy little goldfish.", stated the neighbor.
"Not when it's inside of your big dumb ole cat!", Timmy exclaimed.
Ever since he arrived in America from the old country, Sam has wanted those very expensive alligator cowboy boots. Finally, as an elderly man, he was able to purchase a pair. He couldn't wait to get home to show Sadie, his wife of 40 years.
"Sadie, Sadie! Do you see anything different about me?", he chuckled.
"Different? Different? What's different? You're wearing the same shirt you had on this morning, the same pants, I don't see nothing different."
Sam, a little irritated, runs into the bedroom and takes off all of his clothes, all except for the cowboy boots.
Sadie, Sadie! Do you see anything different about me now?", he chuckled again.
"Different? Different? What's different? It's pointing down now, it was pointing down yesterday and it will be pointing down tomorrow too. I don't see nothing different."
Really irritated, Sam shouts, "Of course it's pointing down. It's looking at my new cowboy boots!"
"Ah Ha!", Sadie shouts back. "Better you shoulda bought a hat?"
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.
" Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?" The man nodded and directed her to the drawing room where he left her there for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out to him and asked," May I know where your wife is?" " She went to the cemetery," he replied. "And when is she coming back?", she asked.
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."
A guy sitting in a bar is really looking nervous. Every time the door opens he jumps. Every time there is a noise he cringes.
The bartender after watching this for an hour finally goes over and asks, "What's the matter with you?"
"Well I received a letter today that said if I didn't stop fooling around with his wife he was gonna shoot me."
For heaven's sake, Why don't you just stop fooling around with his wife?"
Came the reply, "I would but he didn't sign his name!!"
A cowboy rides into town and notices that everyone is gathered at the far end. He asks a guy heading to the site what was going on.
The guy stops and answers, "They're hanging Brown Paper Bag Pete."
"Where the heck did he get a name like that?", asked the cowboy.
"Well he wears a brown paper bag over his head and a brown paper bag over his hands too. He also wears a brown paper bag on his feet, on his legs and on his arms. In fact his entire body is covered by brown paper bags.", he answered.
"That's amazing. What are they hanging him for?", asked the cowboy".
"Rustling.", came the reply.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits down. A young lady comes over a sits next to him and asks him if he is a real cowboy.
"I certainly am.", he states. "Well I've been punching cows for fifteen years now, in fact I've just returned from a six month roundup and I would certainly like to spend some time with a pretty little filly like you."
"Well!", she quips. "That's very nice of you but I'm a lesbian and all I think about is making love to women." With that she gets up and leaves.
A few minutes later a couple comes in, walks over to the guy and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?".
The cowboy looked perplexed and mumbled, "Well I thought I was but I guess I'm a lesbian."
A girl called me the other day said "come on over nobody's home."
I went over - nobody was home.
Riding by a fence one evening the husband asked if the wife remembered making love there 30 years ago and suggested they try it again. The wife was willing and after they were done the husband said, "You know thirty years ago you were just great but this time, This Time, you took my breath away. You were fantastic!" "Well . . ", replied the wife, "The fence wasn't electrified thirty years ago."
Where do you find a turtle with no legs? The exact same place that you last put it down.
Little boy arrives home from Sunday school. "Well what did you learn this morning?", asks his mommy. Came the reply, "I learned that God's last name isn't damm it".
A Chicken and an egg were in bed together. The egg looks up and the chicken is enjoying a cigarette. The egg somewhat angry thinks to its self, "I guess I have found out the answer to that age old question".
Bald guy sitting at bar. Bartender kidingly rubs bald guy's head and states "You know that your head feels just like my wife's bare bottom?" Bald guy rubs his own head and says "You know you're right?".
Farmer got a new bull as his old bull just wasn't performing. The new bull started right in making the rounds. The old bull started pawing the ground and snorting up a storm. The farmer's wife said that she guessed he was jealous. "Nope", said the farmer. "He just wants to let the new bull know that he ain't a cow".
A traveling salesman traveling through Vermont looking for one of his clients stopped at a barber shop, stuck his head through the door and yelled, "Bob Peters Here?"
"Nope! Just shaves and haircuts.", came the reply.
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